Discussions
Prompts for the conversations you keep postponing
Pick one need, pick one question, and give it fifteen honest minutes. These are designed to surface the need underneath a recurring fight before the fight starts.
Ground rules
- • One topic. Write it down before you start.
- • No history older than the current topic.
- • Reflect back before you respond.
- • Either person can call a pause — with a return time.
- • End with one agreement, not a verdict.
Safety
- What uncertainty in our life is costing you the most sleep?
- What could I make more predictable this week?
- When do you feel least secure with me?
Significance
- What do you do for this household that you think goes unnoticed?
- When do you feel most invisible to me?
- What's a win of yours I never properly acknowledged?
Competence
- Where do you feel second-guessed by me?
- What's something you'd like to be trusted with, fully, no check-ins?
- When I offer help, when does it land as support and when as correction?
Autonomy
- Where do you feel controlled or crowded by me?
- What decision do you want to own without my input?
- How can we stay connected while giving each other more room?
Connection
- When did you last feel truly understood by me — and what was I doing?
- What do you wish I asked you about more often?
- What does a good twenty minutes together look like to you right now?
Acceptance
- What part of you do you soften around me to avoid judgment?
- What criticism of yours do I hear most often, and how does it sound from your side?
- What would 'accepted exactly as I am' look like this week?
Discovery
- Where has our relationship started to feel stagnant?
- What new experience would feel energizing to us both?
- How would you like us to keep growing together?
Contribution
- What do you contribute that feels unseen?
- Where are you carrying too much?
- What shared purpose would you like us to support together?
Understanding
- What experience do you wish I understood more fully?
- When did you last feel truly heard by me?
- What do I keep trying to fix before I understand it?
Had the conversation and it went sideways?
Write down what was actually said and run it through the decoder. You'll get each person's needs, the collision between them, and better wording for next time.