Discussions
Prompts for the conversations you keep postponing
Pick one need, pick one question, and give it fifteen honest minutes. These are designed to surface the need underneath a recurring fight before the fight starts.
Ground rules
- • One topic. Write it down before you start.
- • No history older than the current topic.
- • Reflect back before you respond.
- • Either person can call a pause — with a return time.
- • End with one agreement, not a verdict.
Belonging
- When in the last month did you feel most like we were a team?
- Is there a decision I made recently that you found out about instead of being part of?
- What's one ritual we've let slide that used to make us feel like a unit?
Significance
- What do you do for this household that you think goes unnoticed?
- When do you feel most invisible to me?
- What's a win of yours I never properly acknowledged?
Competence
- Where do you feel second-guessed by me?
- What's something you'd like to be trusted with, fully, no check-ins?
- When I offer help, when does it land as support and when as correction?
Security / Predictability
- What uncertainty in our life is costing you the most sleep?
- What's one thing I could make reliably predictable that would settle you?
- Which of our recurring surprises stops being fun for you?
Connection
- When did you last feel truly understood by me — and what was I doing?
- What do you wish I asked you about more often?
- What does a good twenty minutes together look like to you right now?
Approval / Acceptance
- What part of you do you soften around me to avoid judgment?
- What criticism of yours do I hear most often, and how does it sound from your side?
- What would 'accepted exactly as I am' look like this week?
Had the conversation and it went sideways?
Write down what was actually said and run it through the decoder. You'll get each person's needs, the collision between them, and better wording for next time.